Man, have you ever wanted something SO bad that when you were denied over and over it just ripped at your heart piece by piece? That's how I feel right now... As most of my readers know, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half. It adds up to 20 cycles. We were just denied that joy again this weekend.
I sometimes feel like God knows what I want, I'm supposed to get it (at some point), and that since so much growth and change has happened in my life in the past month that THIS was my month. Well, that's really how May/June felt. Even my body reacted differently this cycle, almost like a "reset" button had been pressed. What I DON'T get is why that would happen, and nothing?!
Then there are times where I look back on other areas of my life where I was tortured time and time again by my desire and the rejection. I was just thinking back at all of the guys I had liked from high school through college, and how I felt crestfallen whenever I was denied "the one". If only I had known that the ONE God had in store for me was so amazing, I would have been content. Hindsight is 20/20.
Ok, Sarah, what are you getting at? While I know in my heart I'm meant to have a child, and my heart LONGS for a child (as does my husband's), I also know that if I knew what God knows, I would make the SAME decision that He is making. There is SOME reason why I'm supposed to wait... patiently or not... and praise Him even in my sorrows.
Is this my lot in life? To desire, be denied, and be heartbroken, only to rise back up and praise God in His sovereignty? No, there will be times when my desire will be granted, and I will skip the heartbreak and go straight to joy and praising God. Ultimately, our life is such a SHORT span of time in comparison with eternity. How can I sit here, complaining about this tiny, almost meaningless section of time, when I can be preparing for the greatness that is eternity?