Another day, another cycle...

Man, have you ever wanted something SO bad that when you were denied over and over it just ripped at your heart piece by piece? That's how I feel right now... As most of my readers know, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half. It adds up to 20 cycles. We were just denied that joy again this weekend.

I sometimes feel like God knows what I want, I'm supposed to get it (at some point), and that since so much growth and change has happened in my life in the past month that THIS was my month. Well, that's really how May/June felt. Even my body reacted differently this cycle, almost like a "reset" button had been pressed. What I DON'T get is why that would happen, and nothing?!

Then there are times where I look back on other areas of my life where I was tortured time and time again by my desire and the rejection. I was just thinking back at all of the guys I had liked from high school through college, and how I felt crestfallen whenever I was denied "the one". If only I had known that the ONE God had in store for me was so amazing, I would have been content. Hindsight is 20/20.

Ok, Sarah, what are you getting at? While I know in my heart I'm meant to have a child, and my heart LONGS for a child (as does my husband's), I also know that if I knew what God knows, I would make the SAME decision that He is making. There is SOME reason why I'm supposed to wait... patiently or not... and praise Him even in my sorrows.

Is this my lot in life? To desire, be denied, and be heartbroken, only to rise back up and praise God in His sovereignty? No, there will be times when my desire will be granted, and I will skip the heartbreak and go straight to joy and praising God. Ultimately, our life is such a SHORT span of time in comparison with eternity. How can I sit here, complaining about this tiny, almost meaningless section of time, when I can be preparing for the greatness that is eternity?

Bonus post!

Ok, so my life has been NUTS this past week. I really feel like I'm falling behind spiritually. I know I wasn't where I needed to be before we left, but it feels like I've fallen even further backwards. I can't tell you the last time I had an alone "quiet time" with God that wasn't prompted by small group or a conference...

Now that I'm looking at photographing a youth conference this weekend with my church, it's really got me thinking. I need to take a step back, look at my life, and figure out how everything fits... On one hand, I have my photography, school, the required assignments, and the passionate stuff that I do for fun. On the other hand, I have our whole TTC process (btw I confirmed O this weekend while we were away! My mom always jokes that you don't go to Myrtle Beach if you don't want to come home pregnant... That's where my sister, at least one of my cousins, and myself were all conceived!)But I digress...

So I have all of these things going on in my life, and I really tend to struggle with fitting God in there. I know the Sunday School answer, "God shouldn't have to 'fit' in your life. He should be over everything." And while I know that's technically true, it's SO tough to apply it. One way in which I feel like I'm doing better since I picked up photography is seeing God as the ornate artist and creator. I see macro shots that I take and put on my computer, and I see things in the flowers that I couldn't see with my eye. It's incredible!!

Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. Pray for me that I find out how to work this all together to create a smooth life for me!!!